Living Single: Can We Get Through Baggage Claim First?

A few days ago, I was looking through some tweets from some of the interesting people I follow on Twitter, when I ran across this set from Yvonne Chase. And I retweeted it to my followers, because sharing is caring. Usually I hit that retweet button and keep it moving, but for some reason, Yvonne's words stayed on my mind. 

We all know people that flit in and out of relationships, with no pause in between to assess what just happened. Some people tend to have overlaps in their relationships, searching for their next before they have an ex. I'm not pointing fingers, because I definitely did the same things, especially in my early 20's. In hindsight I can see why I always dated the same type of man, and the outcome of those relationships were all the same: DISASTER! 

Going through my divorce, I decided that I would take a year just to release all of my baggage and get reacquainted with myself before I started dating.  What a lot of people don't seem to grasp is that you are the common denominator in all of your relationships. Of course you may catch your significant other cheating on you as a fluke. But if you notice relationship patterns that repeat (i.e. you constantly get cheated on), then it's time to start examining why are you letting people treat this way?

I think that's why Yvonne's words resonated with me so deeply. Everyone brings baggage into a relationship, we can't help it. But are you carrying a Louis Vuitton trunk set or a carry on bag? That trunk set is heavy to carry alone, and will be a huge burden on your significant other. Your relationship will probably not survive all that heavy lifting. Something has got to give!

During that year off, I sorted through all my baggage. I started with that epic failure of a marriage and worked backwards to my first love. I was trying to figure out where things went left. It was hard, and painful, and draining, but it was so worth it. Sorting through that luggage, I found stuff that didn't fit anymore, stuff I could throw away, and stuff I could box up. I didn't need to carry it all with me, but I never wanted to forget those lessons. I also found things I forgot about, things I could put in that carry on bag that could help get me through anything.

I don't think everyone needs to take as long as I did while sorting through their baggage. But I do believe that everyone needs to unpack their suitcases between trips (I am determined to beat this analogy into the ground I tell ya!). I just heard of someone that got divorced last year, immediately got into a relationship,  broke up with that person a month ago, and is now engaged to someone else. Can you get through baggage claim first! Sheesh!

So what are your thoughts? How much time should one take to sort through their baggage? What would you tell someone who hops from relationship to relationship? Share in the comments!

Editors Note: I know I said I would discontinue my Living Single series since I am obnoxiously happy in my relationship. I still am. But I have friends and readers that are single. Plus I am a big proponent of when you know better, you do better, and I believe you should share your growth and knowledge with others so we can all grow together. So I will still post under Living Single when I am so inclined. My relationship series is called Love Everyday and you'll be seeing more of those posts soon. Thanks for reading!

You Should Be Watching Scandal

I have devoted too much space on this blog to reality shows and all of their shallow fluff and trashy fights. I owe you some quality TV talk, dear reader. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you are probably sick of me raving about Scandal, but dammit the show is that good. If you are on the bandwagon you can skip right to the comments section and share your love. If you need more convincing continue reading.

Scandal centers around Olivia Pope, portrayed by a perfectly cast Kerry Washington as the go to crisis manager in Washington, D.C. If your plane crashes, your son rapes women as a hobby, or your child gets kidnapped, Olivia will fix it discreetly with her team.  Olivia is well connected and is known as the woman who makes people move. As the season opens, we don't know how or why Olivia became such an influential person in DC, but it becomes apparent as you watch the short 7 episode season.

 

Olivia's firm, Olivia Pope and Associates, is filled with lawyers who don't practice law, an investigator and a former CIA operative. Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond from LOST) plays Stephen Finch, attorney and Olivia's womanizing right hand man. Harrison Wright is played by Columbus Short (Stomp the Yard and Britney's pre-Federline fling), and is the fast talking litigator with a sketchy past. Katie Lowes is Quinn Perkins, a fresh face attorney who is recruited by Olivia for reasons unknown. Turns out that Quinn's past is a serious mystery and will be addressed next season. The firm is rounded out by Datby Stanchfield as Abby Whelan, the firms investigator who has been helped by Olivia in the past. The final piece of the team is Huck played by Guillermo Diaz (Scarface from Half Baked!!!), a damaged ex-CIA operative who just does stuff. Surveillance, torture, you name it, Huck is your guy.

As I mentioned before, Olivia is a DC insider with very strong connections to the White House. President Fitzgerald Grant is played by Tony Goldwyn, and he is so darn good you forgive him for killing Patrick Swayze in Ghost. I know I wasn't the only one who thought he was completely creepy after that! Well, without giving too much away, I will just say the sexual tension between The President and Olivia is palpable and their scenes are some of my favorites!

Scandal is a great show on it's face. It is well written, the plot is well developed and it is superbly acted by the ensemble cast. The pace borders on frantic, and I sometime have to re-watch scenes to make sure I caught all of the dialogue. It is never boring, and there are never any dull moments. All of this alone is enough for everyone to love this show. But there is more!

Judy Smith, Shonda Rhimes and Kerry Washingtion. Photo via Essence Magazine

Scandal is the first network television show to have an African American female lead in 38 years. The show was created and written by Shonda Rhimes, the force behind Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. Olivia Pope is based on Judy Smith, the real life PR strategist who has worked with the likes of Michael Vick and President George H.W. Bush. And as you can see from the above picture, they are all women of color.

So let me tell you what I really love about Scandal: The treatment of race and sexuality, diversity and inclusion is light years from the majority of scripted TV shows today. While there are plenty of great shows that have diverse casts, like Southland, this was the first time I was excited to see a show debut. I was excited to see someone who is confident, smart, influential and powerful who also looked like me. The characters don't play to stereotypes, they are the way most people are in real life. Just at an elite level.

I could really go on and on about this show, but I trust you will watch for yourself and be thoroughly entertained. In an era where women are jumping on tables and throwing bottles at frenemies is deemed entertainment, maybe Scandal will be a refreshing change of pace. This season has already ended, but you can purchase it below or watch online at abc.com for FREE! Are you watching Scandal? Let me know if you love it as much as I do in the comments!



Sources used in this post:
Keith, Amy Elizabeth. "Judy Smith: The Real Life Inspiration Behind the Juicy New TV Show Scandal" Essence, March 2012: Pg. 103

Love Everyday: I Like What You Like

This weekend my love and I did our first running event together. It was a 4 miler across the Coronado Bay Bridge to benefit the Navy's MWR program. It was a lot of fun and I particularly enjoy this event because my company sponsors a team. We had about 30 people and I was excited to have my honey with me this year.

My man doesn't participate in running events like this. I started getting into running a few years ago, and while I'm not quite where I want to be, it's kind of my thing. So I was happy and surprised when he volunteered to run with me this year. I didn't expect him to run, because while he works out he's not making a beeline to the treadmill like me. Imagine my surprise when the starting horn sounds and he takes off running! I thought this was going to be a light and easy run and now I have to keep pace with him.

 

It got me thinking of all the things I like that he has taken interest in. Running, my blog, and Twitter are all things that he has taken up since we got together. I'm always flattered when my honey takes an interest in my things. It shows that he's making an effort to understand me and be involved in the things that I'm passionate about. It makes life easier to share those things with the person you love.

This stands out to me because I haven't had that love and support in past relationships. Others have felt threatened by my interests. I know it's because of their own insecurities, but it sucks when your partner is not there to support and encourage you. In contrast, not only was my hubby right there with me during the run, but he was also there behind the scenes. While I was handling some business he was picking up race packets for my teammates and I. I really appreciated the fact that he was there to help me out when I was feeling frazzled.

pics on Sodahead
Because I have someone that is willing to try pretty much anything I'm into, I have no problem doing the same for him. I'm not an outdoorsy girl, but I'm looking forward to fishing, camping and four-wheeling in the desert. He's even signed us up for a Zombie run, and I don't do scary or obstacle courses. Or should I say I didn't do scary or obstacle courses. I'm trying new things and expanding my horizons, and that's what keeps relationships fresh and exciting.

Hubby and I had a great run, finishing in the upper third of all participants. I didn't beat my personal best, but since this was his first time we stopped to take pictures several times. And for the record, he beat me across the finish line by 25 seconds. He got me this time, but I'll get him on the next go around!

Basketball Wives: Enough is Enough!

I know I said I was over Basketball Wives.  I had every intention to stop watching cold turkey. But there was a vacancy on my Monday night TV schedule, and I'm the kind of person that needs to have some background noise. So sometimes my TV would be tuned in to Basketball Wives while I was tuned out. But this week's episode was so bad that my ears perked up and then I had to shut off the TV.

I was so embarrassed to witness a grown woman, mother to two daughters, behave in such a immature and ridiculous way. And yes I am talking about Tami Roman. I thought Tami's struggle with her past sexual abuse would actually help a lot of viewers, but in watching her downright nasty behavior toward Kesha Nichols and everyone else on the show I can't connect with her anymore. Watching Tami talk to Kesha gave me flashbacks to when I was bullied back in grade school. But these are adults!!! Do you have nothing else to do with your life than terrorize other women? I'm listening to Tami attempt to explain herself in her one-on-one interviews wondering how does she not feel ridiculous while recounting this story. And really, why is Tami so mad? Because Kesha said that "she could've went off on her, but didn't". Those are fighting words?

To me, there are bigger issues with Basketball Wives than just Tami's conduct. BBW is a case study on group mentality and behavior. These women are fighting to be in the circle and fighting to be the group leader because they are all afraid to stand on their own. While Tami and Evelyn antagonize and terrorize all of the newer women in their clique, the others just sit by and say nothing. It bothered me that Shaunie, Susie and Evelyn sat on the sidelines, looking like they've just seen a ghost. They cosign with Tami while they are with her, and then go with Kesha and cry with her. Why are they not standing up and saying enough already! 

I watch this show and worry about the images that are being presented to  the masses. This is how women of color are portrayed to the rest of the world. Young, impressionable girls may be seeing this, and in wanting to emulate the fashion and attain the lifestyle shown, may begin to imitate the conduct they see. These women have access to opportunities many women will never have. Instead of focusing on the women as they venture into entrepreneurship and away from the lives that came with an NBA spouse/boyfriend/baby daddy, the viewer is subjected to week after week of verbal and physical assaults.

Enough is enough! I can't be a part of this vicious cycle. I will no longer be giving Basketball Wives my viewership, not even as background noise. After tonight I will not give them anymore space on this site or  mention them on Twitter. I'm not going to call for a boycott or sign a petition, I just won't assist VH1 in getting advertising revenue for this show. There are plenty of shows on VH1 that I like and are positive, like Tough Love: New Orleans.

You may have noticed in my Twitter conversation that I watched Scandal online instead. Now that is a show that I am all the way into, and I hope you are too. I'll detail why in a future blog, until then give me your thoughts on Basketball Wives in the comments section!

On My Mind: Hallmark Commercials & The President's Stance on Gay Marriage

Watch this video. Notice anything? No?

The first time I watched this commercial I was touched by what the mother's were expressing, because it's what all mothers think about. And then the commercial ended and I realized that none of the mothers looked like me. Or any of my friends. And it bothered me.

It bothered me to the point that I made it a point to seek out the commercial just to verify that there weren't women of any ethnicity in it. On my 6th viewing I noticed one racially ambiguous woman, and detected a slight accent in another. It was like playing Where's Waldo. That's the best Hallmark can do in this day and age. This bothers me.

This is my reality, but not Hallmark's

Maybe my social circle is extra diverse because I live in Southern California. When I look at the women I talk to everyday, they are white, black and every shade in between. Most of them are mothers. And motherhood is an inclusive club. We all have different methods of mothering, but we all want the same things for our children and we all have the same fears. All of this was captured in the Hallmark commercial, except for the inclusive part. Hallmark's version of motherhood doesn't like my type. So I bought my Mother's Day Cards at Target.

In other news, my Twitter timeline exploded with President Obama's announcement that he supports gay marriage. I wanted to write a blog about it, but I don't really blog about religion or politics. And then one of the brilliant people I follow tweeted a link to a blog that said everything I wanted to say. Kia Speaks writes that when legislation and religion collide, we should be responding with love, not hate or rhetoric. Get all the way into it:

Jesus gave us two directives, the greatest commandments of all: 1) love God and 2) love people. So why are we failing at both? How different would the world be if we decided we were going to truly love each other as Jesus commanded? How would the life of the young girl contemplating an abortion be different if we showed her unconditional love instead of disdain? How would our atheist neighbor’s view of Christians change if we extended love instead of damning him to hell in every exchange?

However, instead of extending love, we have chosen to extend legislation. How ironic is it that the political party who is constantly touting smaller government is simultaneously pushing government into my womb and my bedroom?

Continue Reading

I feel better now that I got that off my chest. Thoughts? Leave 'em in the comments!

Essential Reading

It's Sleep-In Weekend and I have been catching up on some of my reading. Since Sharing is Caring, here are a couple of blogs/articles that I thought you would love.

In April's Marie Claire (yes, I have a stack of unread mags I'm flipping through), author Helena Andrews (Bitch is the New Black) writes about the media hype surrounding black women not getting married. She writes:

Consider this my formal declaration of war — on numbers. I'm talking statistics, percentages, fractions, averages. If they can measure something like my marriage prospects, then I want nothing to do with them. Because for too long, one number has dominated the love lives of black women — and it's time to revolt.

Read more: Race and Relationships - Interracial Relationships - Marie Claire

Essence Online has a great blog entitled 30 Things Every Black Woman Should Have and Know By 30. A couple of my favorites:

9. Dreams and the dogged desire to protect them, even from the people closest to her

14. An awareness that there’s no excuse for settling. Period

Read more: http://www.essence.com/2012/05/04/30-things-every-black-woman-should-have-and-know-by-30/#ixzz1u2nwXCFo

When I finally got out of bed this morning (11:30 is technically still morning), I happened to catch a few episodes of Breaking Down the Bars on OWN. The episode about Tiffany had me in tears. If you haven't seen it, I urge you to check it out.

Got any recommendations for me during my Sleep-In Weekend? Leave me a comment!

It's Sleep-In Weekend!!!

Yasssssssssssssss!!!

I have been looking forward to this weekend all. week. long! So much so that I named it Sleep-In Weekend. That's right, I'm gonna sleep so much it's going to be an event!

The people that know me know that I am a night owl, and for the last few weeks I have been severely sleep deprived. I'm one of those people that have to have 7-8 hours a night, although lately I've been lucky to get 5 hours of sleep. And it's showing! I feel sluggish, have no energy or drive, my mental focus is off, and let's not start with my appearance! It's time to rest, relax, and revitalize myself!



This is the first weekend in a few months where I will be home alone, nothing to do and nowhere to go. I am so looking forward to some me time. Don't get me wrong, I always love having my son and my soon-to-be husband home. I mean, this house is too quiet right now. And my eyes are fighting to stay open while I type this. So the thought of uninterrupted sleep is so darn appealing! Plus I can pamper myself and do all those beauty treatments I don't want my man to see. Like Crest Whitestrips and aspirin masks:


Yes, she is almost naked, but everything in this video works!

I'm about to go pretend to watch Blue Bloods in bed and get this Sleep-In Weekend started! How do you spend your me time? And what are your DIY beauty treatments? Hit the comment button and share!

Also: If you want to check out a blog that is both inspirational and helpful, stop by Illuminated Living and show my girl Akinee some love!